A Letter From The Editor:
        As I wander the streets of Puddleby I am often reminded that we are all exiles here, and in short, we all come from "some place else".  Much of what existed in the places we came from, real or illusionary, no longer exists here in our new home. This article centers on how to explain the otherwise unexplainable and, most importantly, how to avoided speaking of "other worldly things" or at least how to put them into terms all other exiles can understand.
        The first strange occurrence, and perhaps the most common, is a poltergeist like creature called a "phone".  This creature is said to cause a "ringing sound" in the victim's head which MUST be responded to.  The victim will commonly cry out in agony "the phone is ringing" then his speech will degenerate to rough sounds like "brb" or "afk". After such loss of speech control the victim will fall motionless often for minutes at a time. Then, as abruptly as the poltergeist's attack began, it will end and the victim will regain full control of his body, and will often act as though nothing has occurred.  I have discovered that this annoying poltergeist can best be avoided by entering silent meditation at the onset of its attack.  Simply stated, if and when attacked, simply inform your allies, "I need to meditate" or "meditating" then quickly enter prayer to the gods to left this evil poltergeist from your mind.  If done fast enough the loss of speech and non-sense sounds can be avoided and you can maintain full control of your body throughout the assault.
        The second occurrence is foul weather, referred to by some in puddleby as "lag".  Many people find that in times of bad weather they lag terribly behind their allies and often find it difficult to fight. Two things I learned from my mother long ago were; 1) there is little sense in cursing the weather, as it seldom changes to met your request and 2) when bad weather occurs seek shelter inside until conditions improve.  In other words, shouting "lag" over and over again at the top of one's voice will have no effect on the weather. If the conditions are intolerable or too dangerous for hunting retire to a pub in town and warm yourself by the fire.  This also goes for those times then the weather is so foul and cold that people feel they are "freezing". Should you feel the need to comment on the weather, then please comment on it as such..."My we are having bad weather today" or "The weather is really interfering with my ability to fight"...etc...
A list of other common "other worldly" occurrences and suggested translations to common speech:
Occurrence: Translation:
"Car"  Wagon
"Sports Car" Chariot
"bad engine" Horse died/is sick
"the wheel fell off my car" The wheel fell off my wagon
"My mac Rocks!"  The Gods have smiled on me
"my friend owns a pentium"  My friend was entrapped by an evil wizard in a pentagon [and thus can't come to puddleby]
"my girl friend won't return my calls"  My girl friend won't talk to me
E-Mail Enchanted Mail or just Mail
        Well I hope you get the idea, with a little time and consideration, almost anything you want to say can be translated into common speech.  One should make an effort to avoid speaking of "other worldly things" whenever possible. The one exception is "The Pub of the hand" located near the south gates of town.  The owner of the pub has set the theam of "other worldly things" thus, other worldly speech is not only encouraged there but expected to occur there.  If you have something other worldly you need to express to a friend, please retire to that pub to hold your conversation.

Braveheart, Editor of the Puddleby Post

(OOC: the following is posted anonymously at the author's request)

TITLE: "The Journal of Templar Dolmus Practus"
SOURCE: From Chapter 5, section 4: "The Journal of Templar Dolmus Practus" an ancient text found in the library in the healers temple of Puddleby.
AUTHOR: Unknown

......Woke up this morning to find the whole monastary in an uproar. My pupil Timothy led me out to the stable where my eyes were greated by a terrible sight. A number of the monks were running about the hayloft chasing rodents at a frantic pace. Others were slowly pacing back and forth muttering "Autus Pilotus." It was obvious that their souls had been displaced and their bodies taken over by terrible daemons. I went back to the monastary library and consulted the Great Tome for the name "Autus Pilotus." I was able to find the following:

"Autus Pilotus" is a lesser daemon from the upper plane of Hel. He has poor control over his host and merely causes it to walk blindly back and forth. He is primarily harmless and can be safely ignored. For some unknown reason he likes to mutter his own name from time to time. This daemon will leave in his own time and cannot be cast out. (See also "Olicys Ferrusmyn")

"Anoyingus Ferrusmyn" is a greater daemon from the upper plane of Hel. He has stronger control over his host and a strong taste for the blood of rodents. This daemon is blind - he hunts by sensing the true name of his rodent prey. He will attack any form of Rat or Vermine with a true vengence - going so far as to push other beings out of his way in his lust for blood. This daemon can be misled by speaking the name of his prey. Like other daemons he will depart his host if it is left dead long enough.

We finally concluded that the only way to rid the afflicted monks of the greater daemon "Anoyingus" was to lead them out into the forst. We would then let them be slain. This would rid the monastary of the daemon without releasing it to take over any other monks.

Following the advice from the Tome I entered the stable and spoke the name "Rat" and "Vermine." The monks afflicted with the greater daemon then began to follow me out into the yard. I then led the poor souls into the forest where they could be slain by wildlife.

After a wait of many hours the daemons finally departed from our unfortunate brothers and we were able to heal them and return them to the monastary..........

TITLE: "An Evening as an Orga Feast"
SUBMITTED: The 4th day of the 8th Month.
AUTHOR: Marcus Antonius of the Brotherhood of Independents.

    Last night the Tanglewood was a scene of death and great courage. Rescue after rescue took place over a course of 3 hours and more, eventually clearing the woods of exiles. But events in the Wood were not all happy.
    This drama started with a a call from Rutabaga: he needed help with a rescue and was waiting in the "safe" area in the Tanglewood meadow. On arrival at Rutabaga's location it was discovered that he was being pursued within the tree by an Orga Berzerk and it's Orga henchbeings. These Orgas followed us out of the tree and were either slain, or led away by Rutabaga.
    Eventually, after dumping the last of the Orgas, Rutabaga returned to finish the rescue he had begun. It was un unmitigated disaster: all the healers and most of the fighters died to a horde of assorted Orgas and Giant Vermine. Eventually the being responsible for this death and distruction presented himself to gloat over our corpses.
    Of course, it was an Orga Warleader. This Warleader looked much like a regular Orga, but he glowed with power.
    In an attempt to lure other exiles to their deaths the Warleader sent a thought asking others to come to our rescue. Fortunately, nobody was that gullible.
    The Warleader then began to investigate our bodies. He quickly dragged TCHealer away - presumably because he liked the insults that TC was shouting at him. The Warleader then approched me. By this time I was starting to go a little "off" and had begun to bloat and leak bodily fluids. The Warleader poked me and I burst - spraying fluids all over him. He immediatly dragged me off to join TC in the Orga camp.
    Unfortunately by this time rigor mortis had firmly set in and I was unable to sketch the scene. I will descirbe it to the best of my ability, memory, and the fact that I could only hear the Warleader and not TC.
    The Warleader had carefully arranged TC to the North of the firepit to cook. I was roasting near a fire to the south. For some bizzare reason the Warleader began to question TCHealer.

He asked TC "What name you want know?"

He told us that the Orga's pet Death Vermine was named "Scarleg." He refused to acknowledge that the other DV in the camp were pets.

I suggested that he have Pete come and give him advice on cooking us. I should have suggested that we would taste better stuffed with Pixie Dust.

"Why do you have 2? (eyes) One is much better. 2 eyes weak, 1 strong." TC told me later that the Warleader liked TC's orga eye, but hated TC's explanation of binocular vision.

"You think you better than orga? You dead now. You know better."

At this point the orga howled for all the world to hear.

We were immediatly eaten and then defecated into the temple in town.

Only TC's Slave was willing to approach us to heal us. Quite frankly, we stank.

I hope nobody else has to go through an Orga's gut.

May the ancients guide your path and not drop a monster on you.

TITLE: "$%*#!"
SUBMITTED: the 3rd day of the 8th month
AUTHOR: Elkhorn

Written by: Elkhorn of the Laughing Academy
        Since me have lost most powers of speech and things, me be writing this wit blood of slain orga. Elkhorn has left the *@beer.#$! mudhole known as Puddleby, maybe me return one day when things are different, but me mind has gone the way of the young new exile who traveled to the hive.
        The reazins dis happen is Elkhorn got brain fried by evil &$*#! spriggin. It telemaported right into me brain and won't leave. Me learned much from it, maybe too much. But that be another story when me can think rightly.
        Elkhorn be gone, gone from Puddleby til brain finds peace. In mean time I be returning to me cell at The Asylum for awhile. Maybe me see citizen of Puddleby or two or so wandering about in the usual way. Like chicken wit its head chopped off, dying and yelling and going into places where it shouldn't go. But again, that be 'nother story alltogether.
        I final word of warning, beware of Spriggins, their intents are not as lighthearted as was previously thought. They be jealous of our larger bodies and want them for themselves. It be why it went into me mind, to take me body away from me.
        Now Elkhorn must go, time to... to.. YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!!!! HEHEHEHEHE

TITLE: untitled
SUBMITTED: the 3rd day of the 8th month
AUTHOR: Elkhorn

Written by: Elkhorn of the Laughing Academy
        Is strange how twisted yer tale be, in the arena, you should not curse, and should not curse continually. That is what happened when I would not allow the exile to be healed.
        And as far as blatantly killing healers? You should pay more attention to your memory than your emotions. One healer tried to heal the bad loser AFTER my warning, then he recieved a warning attack, a single blow (not fatal by any means) So how do I be doing wrongly? Others actions dictated my REACTIONS.
        Constant cursing for getting killed in arena or any other reason is similar to a small child crying for not getting piece of candy. Which is exactly what that person is, a baby.
        So before you be getting all uptight over someone solving common arena problem(cursing for getting killed) Maybe you should think about both sides of the coin.
        And now I must be off, it is a long journey to The Asylum and I haven't packed my halfling sandwiches.

TITLE: "On the properties of Fairy Dust"
SUBMITTED: The 3rd day of the 8th month

    I recently came into possession of a small quantity of Fairy Dust.  Not wanting to let the opportunity to study it go to waste, I enlisted some volunteers to assist me in some controlled tests in the Arena.  I have also tested it in the field, mostly against Orga Berserks.  I would like to share my findings with ye all.  It is my hope that this will lead to a better understanding of the tactical uses of Dust, as it will undoubtedly become more common in the lands in the near future.
    As many of ye know already, the Dust will paralyse a target creature or exile, if applied correctly.  To achieve this effect, the Dust must be applied precisely and continuously.  This requires the use of the weapon hand.  Consequently, the wielder of the Dust cannot attack the target. This much is easily deduced in the field.
    The tests in the Arena focussed on the question of whether or not the Dust affected the target's ability to regenerate balance and health.  This is obviously of some importance in assessing the tactical uses of the substance.  The test methodology was as follows:  the subjects were invited to swing at me until their balance was reduced by half.  (Due to my relatively good defense I was not at much risk, but healers were standing by in the event that something went wrong.)  Then I applied the Dust. Other volunteers then attempted to hit the immobile target, and the recovery rates for balance and health were observed.  It should be stressed that nobody was killed, or seriously injured, during this testing.
    Two subjects were tested: a healer and a fighter.  Both reported that balance regeneration was not affected in any perceivable way.  Health regeneration was less clear.  One subject reported that it was not affected, while the other reported that it was slowed or stopped.  However health regeneration, being generally slower than balance regeneration, is more difficult to measure.  It is probably prudent to assume that the target can regenerate health, if perhaps at a slower rate.
    The conclusions are fairly clear.  Since, on the one hand, only one target can be immobilized at a time, and on the other, that target's balance regenerates more or less normally, there are some limitations on the tactical effectiveness of Dust.  It is most suitably used against a single powerful foe.  (It is little help against a Death Vermine swarm, for example.)  And there must be fighters on hand that can hit the target when it is at full balance.  Within those limitations, the Dust can be a very powerful weapon.  As an example, in my final field test before my supply ran out, the Dust was instrumental in defending Puddleby from an invasion of Berserks.  Many lives may have been saved.
    So, should ye manage to acquire Dust, use it wisely.  If my sample was representative, it does not last long.  But used at the right moment, it can mean the difference between a massacre and a victory.

Ever in your service,

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Copyright © 2001 Philip M. Sokolov
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